HALF YEARLY REVIEW OF MY 2010 RESOLUTIONS!

June 21, 2010 in Entertainment, Humour, Life, Resolution, Satire
Tags: determination, Gwoeii, humour, Life, Living, Resolutions, result, success

10 more days! That’s it, half a year, six months, 26 weeks or 182.5 days will have past us! Yes, that is how fast time passes us! In a blink of an eye, that is what they would say, your life is gone and you wonder where?

At this moment, you would ask, what have I done? What have I achieved? Have I moved ahead or retract atail? Worse! Have my life got stuck in a twilight tale of groundhog day!

This is the time, where you would pull out your top ten resolutions without the Ryan Secrest howling down the mike announcing where it is now after six months of the charts.

No.1 ~ Keep fit & healthy

So far so good! Weighing in at 89kg or 196lbs! I have lost 7kg (15lbs) in six months! Am I fit though? Noooooo….. after losing 7kg, I am a weak, wreck. Time to get back with those dumbbells and I don’t mean that clown with the name starting with “Mc”.

No.2 ~ Be happy & contend with whatever material wealth I have

What else could I do? Sulk and hope that double “B” be put on trial at the Geneva war tribunals. The world is already sucked into one crisis after another as the legacy of the double “B”! Me, if I am not contend, I would have made an appointment with Dr J. Kevorkian! And as long as I haven’t made that appointment yet, I can assumed that my second resolution is on track! HAH!

No.3 ~ Have a full life… Make friends!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Have the cow landed on the moon yet? No! An introvert with a penchant for rudeness can never find the pot at the end of the rainbow, unless it is a fairy tale… get it! To be honest, I can’t even get friends on Facebook and I don’t even have to show my face to them. This blog may be read by only 3 people and that is after tricking my grandmother, who is computer illiterate, to click on my blog page. The other two would be me, secretly clicking to generate two hits.

No.4 ~ Read a novel each month.

Ok! This is easy! No friends, no social life, no money, the book is my friend….. wait, did I say no money!? So how the heck do I dish out 30bucks each month to buy a novel. I got those three in one cheap sale thingy of those out of fashion writer such as Robert Ludlum! I read “The Scarlatti Inheritance”, “The Matlock paper” & “The Osterman Weekend”. Blerrgghh… So they say, if you find on the supermarket shelves tomato soup half price! There surely must be something wrong! Expired! Heavily discounted goods are not heavily discounted for fun! They are heavily discounted because they are simply Blerrgggh…. My mind went numb reading that three junk and couldn’t continue. Did I fail or did Robert Ludlum fail?

No.5 ~ Marry my sweetheart

This is a one year long action resolution. So! I have six more months to be a MAN! AND GET HER THE RING… a 0.2carat one

Hey! Don’t laugh, the salesman at the diamond shop says, the budget is three months salary! I am unemployed! So! That means that I shouldn’t be getting a ring at all in the first place. Am I that cheapo? Ok NOT!

I admit, I did sell some of my stock photographs at my micro-stock agency, Dreamstime & Shutterstock, total earnings for the month of June USD2.15 & USD1.75. That is a grand total of USD3.90. Hmmm… let’s see what I can get with USD11.70! Diamond dusted aluminium ring… HAHAHAHAHAHA! It shines. (I secretly hope my sweetheart don’t read this blog ~ No worries, she won’t! Only three would read it…. refer to resolution no.3).

No.6 ~ Find work on the things I love.

Oooh! Ohohoho! Passed with flying colours! Unfortunately, it is my underpants that is flying the colourful flag. I am now a proud starving artist photographer. I am contributing to five micro stock agencies Dreamstime, Shutterstock, Fotolia, BigStock & Alamy! Very soon I will be a janitor waiting for my big hit to be discovered by a Art promoter! Woohoo! I am so proud to be a temporary starving janitor, dreaming of becoming a Magnum certified photographer! Woohoo! Let’s hope I don’t starve to death before I achieve my dream.

WAIT A MINUTE!!! IS THIS THE REASON WHY I AM ACHIEVING MY RESOLUTION NO.1!!

No.7 ~ Travel to one destination each month.

At the initial preparation of the resolutions, I have specifically worded “one destination”. I have legal counsel to determine that “one destination” means exactly that! And by the English interpretation of the resolutions prepared, destination may be anywhere as long as it is somewhere one is going towards!

I have been to my kitchen in the month of January! The toilet in February, my study room in March. For the month of April I travel a bit further, to the apartment’s mail room. In the month of May, its the second toilet! June…. hey! I still have 10 more day… don’t pressure me.

No.8 ~ Cure my OCD.

Cured! Just do not come into my house. Do not touch my belongings. Do not even come near me. Stay away! Shoo… Stay away from me, my OCD is cured, I don’t need to aggravate it.

No.9 ~ Get a cert for my skill.

I bullshit, talk cock & behave like a bigot. I am a highly skilled in tongue twisting double faced promise. Now! I must find an institution that issue a certificate for “politician”!

No.10~ To be more caring to the things around me.

Yada, yada, yada! Yes! I am off with my gab again. I care for my books, my computer, my PC, my house, my car, everything my… which so happens to be the only things that is around me. Please let this count as a pass. My score so far is already a dead 2/9! if this is a fail, it is a 2 out of 10 mark and that is a serious –F score.

So as mentioned, it is a 2 out of 10 score. A bad failure! The silver lining is that I have 10 more days to make it good for my half yearly result. Anyone out there willing to help?